Finding Hope in the Heartbreak
We arrived at the MRI office Tuesday morning to find the same technician we had 22 days prior smiling at us as we came through the MRI doors. He instantly recognized us and knew we were planning on heading to Australia soon. He chatted away as he got Esperanza all strapped into the massive MRI machine. He clicked the head coil around her brain, and her body once again glided into the MRI hole. My heart twisted inside my chest. I leaned my head onto the plastic siding as I reached my hand out to gently lay it on her leg. As the blaring sounds blasted throughout the room, my heart cried out. Lord, will today be the day? Will we finally have our miracle?
Our entire family had chosen to fast for the 22 days since the last MRI, some fasting one meal while others fasted two. We had worshipped, prayed, and engaged hundreds, more like thousands, to pray. Breakthrough was eminent.
After 25 minutes, the blaring came to a halt as the technician arrived back in the room to stab her arm with a needle to insert the contrast. As we chatted, I asked with resounding hope, “So, is the tumor gone?” He looked at me and said, “Well, no. I still see the tumor.” With that, the needle went in, and the contrast was injected throughout her body. The smell permeated Esperanza’s nose as we both sat motionless. Tears began to well up and slide down my face. I quickly wiped them away and turned my face so our daughter wouldn’t see the ache convulsing through my body.
Her body glided back into the MRI giant, and once again, the thundering sounds echoed throughout the room. My head leaned again upon the icy plastic as I reached up to touch my daughter’s leg. My head was turned towards the hospital doors, and I couldn’t help but wonder if this would be our view regularly in the near future. The heaviness landed on my chest, and I desperately tried to choke back my tears. I truly believed we would have our miracle this time, but the tumor was NOT gone.
As we headed home, we cried out to the Lord. We praised Him and submitted our hearts to trust Him with the full results. After arriving home, Esperanza started her piano lessons, and I busily started packing up our rooms. We plan to leave on March 24th unless doctors don’t give us clearance, but our first Airbnb guest arrives on March 28th. Therefore, we need to be ready to leave no matter what. Yet my heart ached within me. What happens if the doctors say the tumor has increased in size, and we have to go into surgery or start chemotherapy right away? Our home must be ready for Airbnb, especially since we plan to Airbnb it in the future. We can’t cancel. But where would we go?
My mind swirled as I packed and organized. Soon, I found myself speaking in tongues and praising the Lord. He is good. Even amid stressful situations, He is still good. The hours slowly ticked by, and we had no call from the doctor. That afternoon, I called the doctor's office, and they said the neurosurgeon was not in. I called again the following day (Wednesday); the doctor's office had still not received the MRI report. The hours crept by as I desperately tried to keep my mind occupied with chores around the house and homeschooling our children.
I walked the neighborhood late that afternoon with a friend and her children. Gryphin was introducing her son to all of his lawnmowing clients. He didn’t want to lose his clients while we were gone, so he recruited his buddy to take them all on. As we chatted, my phone vibrated, and I noticed I had finally received a message from the doctor’s office. The MRI report was in, and the doctor would call in the morning. My heart beat wildly as I opened the report. Sifting through the doctor’s jarging, I went straight to the dimensions. My heart sank as I saw that the tumor had not shrunk.
After pulling Esperanza aside to share, I headed back home to speak to Bruce. As I shared with him, I found my anger rising. I was sure this time, we would see shrinkage. Esperanza had owned this journey. We had all fasted, worshipped, and prayed. We should have seen at least a glimpse of hope. But nothing had changed. It was as if our prayers had fallen on deaf ears. As I voiced my frustration, Esperanza stated that she continued to trust the Lord and believe in His miracle-working power. She sent me a worship song (click here) that she had been repeatedly listening to. My heart was still hard.
That night, we headed to worship and prayer at our church. I sat in the pew with anger and frustration flooding over me. I was tired of having faith. I wanted to throw in the towel. As I sulked in the Lord’s presence, memories of God’s past faithfulness lingered in the back of my mind. And yet, I wanted to be mad, so I tried to push the thoughts away. And yet the memories continued. One by one, they would flood my mind. He sure has been faithful over the years. I could no longer stay mad. With tears still sliding down my face, I found the rock in my chest beginning to engage in worshipping the living God. My anger became silent, and hope arose deep within.
On Thursday, Esperanza and I celebrated her birthday (which will be this coming Sunday) by shopping with her birthday money. As I watched her happily look around each store, excitement permeating her entire being, my heart was content. God was at work in this sweet girl, and I could do nothing but release her to the Lord. A few hours into our excursion, my phone rang; it was the neurosurgeon. We chatted away, and even though the tumor was still there and was not smaller, it was stable. And even if we were not going to Australia, he would say to wait another six months for the next MRI. With confidence, he said he completely released us to go to Australia.
Esperanza smiled and said, “I knew we were going to Australia.” Oh, my sweet girl. The faith of a child.
Thank you all for your continued prayers in this process. We truly want absolutely no issues with Esperanza’s health as we head into the Outback. As I said previously, we do have a team of oncologists and neurosurgeons in Perth, Australia, that she has established care. We lived in Perth for three years, so if something came up, Esperanza and I would fly to Perth from the Outback. But your prayers are vital. Thank you.
Prayer Requests
Health/healing for Esperanza & Bruce.
One-time/monthly partners (click to partner)
Find and purchase a vehicle in Perth (we do not have funds yet to purchase).
Flights (we purchase them today and so far, they are really expensive since we leave in four days).
Find and purchase a pop-up caravan in Perth (since our flights are much more, we may still need funds).
